A discussion going on today got my mind on the topic of safewords. For any not familiar with the concept, though I doubt many vanilla people read this blog lol, here’s Wikipedia’s definition.
A safeword is a codeword or series of codewords that are sometimes used in BDSM for a submissive (or “bottom“) to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant (or “top“), typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary. Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
People can use whatever safeword they are comfortable with, though I’d feel strange shouting out “blueberries!” Lol. In the spanking party scene, the most commonly used is the stoplight system. GREEN= go/ it’s okay to spank harder, YELLOW= slow down, and RED= stop. To any Starman fans out there, “Red light stop, green light go, yellow light go very fast” isn’t quite accurate. Did I really just make a Starman reference? My nerd meter is on high today…
There can be a variety of reasons to use a safeword. You need to indicate discomfort from a leg cramp and change positions, you’re getting played out and close to your tolerance so want the spanking to lighten up a bit, things are going in a direction not fitting with your headspace, you are just all around uncomfortable with the scene, you need to pee. Lol. Whatever. The list can go on and on. Especially in a party setting or playing with a new partner, I consider safe words a must. Communication between a top and bottom beforehand is essential of course, but safewords are in play just in case. There are people out there who’ve been in the scene for 20+ years and have never had to use one and that’s great for them. But noone should be afraid to use them because they fear a bad response.
With some people there is almost a stigma on having to use a safeword. You don’t want to offend the person you are playing with or cause a scene or may be too timid to voice your concerns with the spanking, especially when you are new. Something may be beyond your tolerance but you think oh I’ll just wait it out and it’ll be over soon and you wait and wait and wait until it ends. You may think, well the top should just know what I want and be able to read my reactions. Sorry to burst your bubble, but noone is a mindreader. Yes, a lot of responsibility does fall on the top and a good top does try to watch how you’re doing or keep a dialogue going during a spanking to gauge a bottom’s responses. But this is spanking after all, someone saying “oooow!” isn’t going to necessarily stop them in their tracks. And unless you are always playing in front of a mirror, they often can’t see your face and how you may be reacting. That’s what safewords are in place for.
I will also note here, before some top comes and makes a comment on this post lol, that safewords can be used by tops as well. If a bottom wants to play really hard but is pretty bruised and a top doesn’t feel comfortable with continuing, or bratting is getting to be too much, etc., the same rules apply to them as well. Safewords should be respected on both sides of the fence.
I completely understand being a bit timid in expressing what you want. I’m a shy person myself and it’s something I had to work on. But I’ve learned to get past it and SPEAK UP! If something is going really wrong in a scene, it also makes it hard for others to help you or possibly step in if you don’t safeword to indicate you needed things to ease up or stop altogether. Everyone plays differently and someone just being really quiet isn’t going to necessarily be a sign to stop. I know that I tend to get quiet when getting into my headspace and can be hard to read, so it’s up to me to indicate if there is a problem or not.
Communication is key in spanking. Noone wants to hear later on from a third party that “Oh, Lea just tolerated that spanking that was too hard for her because she was afraid to offend you by stopping the scene.” Nobody wants a pity spanking. Wouldn’t that make you feel like crap? I know I’d feel terrible if I heard later on that someone had a bad experience with me. None of the tops I know would be at all offended by someone using a safeword. Would they want to know why you used it? Probably. I know I would. But it doesn’t have to lead to an awkward situation. If it was just too much for you at the moment or your head wasn’t in it, just say so and move on. If someone wouldn’t play with you again because you used a safeword in a scene, then they probably aren’t someone you should be playing with anyway. It should be a safe and enjoyable experience for all.
So the moral of the story is never be afraid to speak up and please, have fun! I will also note that this is all my own opinion. But this is MY blog after all, so shouldn’t that be assumed? Lol.