In the movies, relationships seem to end in a big dramatic fight. Plates being thrown, nasty words said, feelings hurt. Real life isn’t quite like that. Not my real life anyway. These things don’t come from nowhere. You both know, deep down, that something isn’t right. Nobody is that ignorant. It isn’t necessarily set off by one particular event. Honestly, I think it was a long time coming. These thoughts had been kicked around in my head for a while now but I kept it to myself. I felt guilty like maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough to make things work. That divorce means failure and should absolutely be the last option. That I should just be happy with what I have. But I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
The question I kept asking myself was this- what do you do when love is not enough? When you both aren’t headed in the same direction? When the substance just isn’t there anymore? There was no fighting, no anger. No voices were raised. Just soft spoken carefully measured words that struggled to leave my throat. Just sadness and tears. He said he wanted to tell me I was wrong but he couldn’t. We both knew. There was no blame placed. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. At the root of it, we just never were the right fit for each other. Too similar in the ways that clashed and too different in the ways that mattered. He said that he loved me and would miss me and he left.
I was asked if it was about the kink. That certainly had nothing to do with it. If anything, TTWD kept us going longer than we would have made it otherwise. It gave us something new to explore and grow in together. And I don’t regret any of that. We didn’t part with a lot of anger or resentment. I don’t have to worry about my secrets being held hostage. I’m thankful to him for that, that we can be cordial. I know that is not the case for everyone. That some people have their desires exploited and used against them. It’s terrible that that happens.
A lot of people in my daily life don’t even know what’s going on under the surface. I’ve gone along my everyday and done what I always do. I seem fine to an outsider. But now when I go home at the end of the day, there’s no one there waiting for me. Nobody is calling to ask about picking up my usual for dinner. I sit and stare at the indentation on my naked finger and burst into tears. I’m sad. I feel weak, and stupid for feeling weak. I’ve always considered myself to be an independent person. I can take care of myself. Even knowing that this is for the best, it’s still so hard. I can’t believe how hard.
I don’t do well with change. But I’ll just have to deal with it. I got married at 21. I hardly remember a life before him. I don’t really know what I want anymore. That’s something I’ll have to figure out. I feel like I’m just suspended in space, not knowing what to do next. My family and friends who do know about all of this have been wonderful. That’s really helped me in getting through this. The response has been a bit overwhelming. For those reading this who I’ve already talked with, thank you for all your support. It really means a lot to me. It’s time to start a new chapter. I hope I’m ready for it.