In an online conversation, someone once said, “tops have trouble hearing and are delusional. We need to have a telethon.” It cracked me up and an idea was born. I even came up with a name for it. The Adopt-A-Top Telethon! Doesn’t it sound perfect? Just picture it. We can get Sarah McLachlan to be the spokesperson. We all know how she can tug at the heartstrings with those ASPCA ads. We’ll even pay her extra to NOT sing “Angel.”
Imagine how it would all be set up. “Do you know a top who has trouble typing, reading, and lacks other basic skills? For just $20 a month, you can make a difference.” Donated funds could go into some sort of mentorship program to increase a top’s social and/or technological skills. We’ve all seen how they can fall behind in conversation. It can be a struggle to type quickly and spell correctly. And their poor memories! They have such a hard time keeping track of things, they insist on writing everything down and keeping these long lists of offenses! What a waste of paper!
There could be a whole slew of supplies we could provide them with in this fundraising effort. Things like Ginkgo Biloba to help their memory skills. How many times have you heard a top say “Yes, what?” Poor people can’t remember what they wanted you to say! And all the counting numbers is just their way of trying to remember what order they go in. We want our tops at their healthiest, don’t we? Because we care. For that matter, we can offer a pharmacy program so all the tops can get the meds they need to balance out their delusions in thinking everyone is so naughty all the time.
Another good item would be big finger keyboards to help with typing skills. It takes a lot of skill to type threats repeatedly, after all. You don’t want any typos mixed in or the bottom may not understand what you’re getting at. It’s all about effective communication! We are here to help you, tops. Don’t worry! Many other supplies would be needed. Things like arm slings, ice packs, and bandages for when the diligent top injures their hand and/or arm. You know, rest can cure that too!
|Found on Not My Original Vows|
Tops also have problems with smiling and being expressive. We could have some sort of smile clinic to help teach them how to change their facial expressions. We’ve all heard the saying “It takes 43 muscles to frown, and only 17 to smile.” So smile, tops, smile! We don’t want you to get wrinkles, we want you looking your best! Perhaps we can add to the list of supplies something like laughing gas. That way we can teach the tops how to have a sense of humor. That sounds like a great idea.
Watch your local PBS listings for the Adopt-A-Top Telethon nearest you! Adopt-A-Top: Because We Care!
Call 1-800-LEA-IS-SO-DEAD now to make your pledge! You can make a difference!
P.S. It’s April Fool’s Day so this was all said in a completely joking manner and should not be taken seriously by any of the tops who figured out how to read/write/log on to a computer long enough to see this post. 😀