Yesterday would have been my fifth wedding anniversary. Did you know that the fifth is supposedly the wood anniversary? Guess I got out of that just in time. Lol. The last few months have been hard. Harder than I thought they would be. And it’s not even about him. I don’t want to reconcile. I don’t want him back.
It’s about me. I don’t feel like I know what to do with myself sometimes. I’ve always felt I was a pretty level-headed person. Always the mature one in my groups of friends throughout life, the one who others came to for advice on their own problems. But lately, I feel like a complete basket case. I think I’ve cried every single day for the last few weeks. I’m not a crier.
I don’t want to jump into another marriage, that’s for sure. That wouldn’t help anything anyway. I have to work on myself and figure out what I even want before worrying about anybody else. And that’s the scary part. I don’t really know where to begin. How can you expect someone else to love or care for you when you don’t love yourself? That’s the question that has been eating at me for a while now. And I don’t have an answer.
I’ve always thought I was pretty good at being alone. In past relationships I wasn’t a super clingy type. Definitely not one of those annoying makes-me-want-to-hit-them-attached-at-the-hip couples. Lol. I was happy doing my own thing, having my own friends and interests, and all of that. Being completely dependent on someone was never my personality. It’s not a matter of feeling like I can’t go on without having someone in my life. I know I can. I’m an independent adult. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having someone around in certain moments.
I think the part that has been really hard in this change (aside from the fact I don’t adjust well to change, even if I know the change is for the better in the long run) is it has brought to the surface all the insecurities I’ve always had about myself. I’m too tall, I’m not pretty enough, I’m pessimistic. Who would even want me anyway? I know that’s not productive thinking but those are things that have been on my mind. And I have at least one friend who would totally beat my ass if he heard me talking bad about myself. Lol.
I probably have my own self-image too tied up in how I perceive others feel about me. And that’s not good. As much as I say “whatever, I don’t care what others think about me” that’s not really true. Is it even possible to really not care about what other people think? I do care, particularly when it’s someone close to me whose opinion means a lot. I’d think that’s the case for many. I feel like I’m rambling. The plan? Focus on myself. How to do that? I still don’t know.