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When the strap bites
When the cane stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite links
And then I don't feel so bad
I was pretty direct in filling out my profile. I wrote that I am a pessimist and a realist, divorced with no kids, and don’t pretend to like hiking or walking on an imaginary beach. I’m much better suited for someone who likes watching Netflix while having a beer. I find attached at the hip couples irritating and am an independent person happy to do my own thing. But ideally, a partner would have some things in common with me and we’d enjoy the time we do spend together.
Clearly I sound like a great catch. There was a section about what people notice first about me. I wrote that I’m tall and don’t need strangers to point it out when we’re in an elevator together. To save time I even answered the usual follow up questions. “Do I play basketball?” If I was in the WNBA I probably wouldn’t be standing here responding to your dumb ass. “Are your parents tall?” No, they’re god damn Keebler elves.
That’s caused a lot of funny messages. “What’s it like having Keebler elves for parents? It must’ve been uncomfortable growing up in a tree when you’re six feet tall.” My reply- “It was a Redwood.” I’ve had many inquiries about what I like to watch on Netflix and if I’ve seen the newest season of Arrested Development. I really need to catch up on that because everyone keeps talking about it.
In Erica Scott’s CHoS style, here are some of the real winners in correspondence. The good, the bad, and the grammatically butchered.
“A fucking tall pessimist who hates hiking is the perfect woman.” I actually liked that one. A man after my own heart.
“I’m bored with life. I also have a child.” Uh… my condolences?
“Hi. Summer is here.” Yes it is and that’s why I’m reading this indoors.
“Would you ever take martial arts? Do you punch or kick better? How high can you kick? Chest high?”
Is this leading to a ball crushing inquiry? I didn’t think I was on Fetlife right now…
“Do you date shorter guys?” Well that’s just about everyone to me, so yes.
“I could be there in 15 minutes.” If that’s not a creepy way to start a conversation, I don’t know what is!
“I’m in town for the weekend and looking for a cool girl to hang out with.” Good luck sorting through the line of them outside your door.
“I desire you.” He had 50 shades in his screen name.
“U is hot!” U is stupid!
“I’ve never seen someone on here that I had such a low match with.” That was the whole message. Okay… you just felt the need to share that?
“I think your way gorgeous and would love to chat with you.” You had me until your.
“Your gorgeous. Are you taken?” That poor your again.
“Wow I love your smile.” Finally, the right your!
“I am in an open marriage and ideally looking for a friends with benefits thing.” At least he was honest. But can I attract anyone who is actually available? Ever??
“I am getting ready to go out and mow some lawsns.” Would that be a cousin of the lawn?
“hi. Yor so cut. Can I have your number. I like to see you.” Look at the picture, it’ll last longer.
Some of the winning screen names I’ve seen are NotGonnaMurderU and injailoutsoon. Man, his inbox is going to be full upon his release!
Ah, the internet.