I know that my blog has a somewhat different audience than those I interact with regularly on FetLife so I’m cross-posting this.
The basic idea I got from it was not that spanking + sex is wrong in any way, but that people who agree to limits in advance should stick to those and not to try and sneak something in during or afterwards. I agree wholeheartedly. I didn’t want to hijack her post so am putting some of my thoughts here that were brought up from reading it and the comments.
Comments to the effect of “silly women thinking they can dangle a piece of meat in front of a dog’s mouth and not get bitten.” Oh silly me! When I negotiated for a spanking I really wanted to be sexually assaulted, right? Comments suggesting that one should reconsider participating in an arousing act with someone they don’t want responding in an aroused manner, because spanking is always sexual for everyone, yes?
Sigh. If you want spanking mixed with sex, cool. If you like to keep the two completely separate, cool. If spanking isn’t even on your fetish list, cool. The “is spanking sexual” debate comes up over and over and over and OVER again. I’m in the “it depends” camp. What starts to bug me is when people talk in absolutes. The comments of “why would you even bother if there’s no sex?” That is what I’ll address here.
Why bother with spanking? Here are some reasons, speaking only for myself.
-Because I’m a spanko
-Because it fulfills a desire/need that has been with me my entire life
-Because it’s just a lot of fun!
-Bonding with a top/partner
-Fantasy exploration and fulfillment
Can it be hot? Hell yes! Some of my greatest orgasms have followed a good spanking. But for me, it doesn’t have to be a means to an end. It’s a main course. It satisfies me, sometimes physically, but more times emotionally and psychologically. The bond between play partners is just fucking awesome. It’s a special connection. It can be hard to describe. It doesn’t have to be about the sexual energy. (But if that’s there too, cool!)
I’d imagine others into rope play or wax play or fill in the blank may be able to relate to some of the above things, even if spanking is not their great love. These are my own reasons. I know what works for me. You know what works for you. You don’t have to like what I like and vice versa. That’s why there’s negotiation. If someone doesn’t enjoy spanking then I wouldn’t even want to play with them. If I’ve gotta have a, b, and c, and you only like x, y, and z then we aren’t compatible play partners. And that’s okay.
I’ve got a popular ass and plenty more people I can go see. No need to vilify each other for what we want. So is spanking sexual? Yes? No? Let’s agree to disagree. I hope that maybe this can give some perspective to those who wonder “why bother?” If they’re still scratching their heads, that’s okay. I don’t need to convince you that you should like what I like. But don’t tell me that I’m doing it wrong because we see things differently. I am the one who knows what works for me.