Why Bother If There’s No Sex?

I know that my blog has a somewhat different audience than those I interact with regularly on FetLife so I’m cross-posting this. 
Recently this post by @munchkin went K&P: What “no sex” doesn’t mean
The basic idea I got from it was not that spanking + sex is wrong in any way, but that people who agree to limits in advance should stick to those and not to try and sneak something in during or afterwards. I agree wholeheartedly. I didn’t want to hijack her post so am putting some of my thoughts here that were brought up from reading it and the comments.
Comments to the effect of “silly women thinking they can dangle a piece of meat in front of a dog’s mouth and not get bitten.” Oh silly me! When I negotiated for a spanking I really wanted to be sexually assaulted, right? Comments suggesting that one should reconsider participating in an arousing act with someone they don’t want responding in an aroused manner, because spanking is always sexual for everyone, yes?
Sigh. If you want spanking mixed with sex, cool. If you like to keep the two completely separate, cool. If spanking isn’t even on your fetish list, cool. The “is spanking sexual” debate comes up over and over and over and OVER again. I’m in the “it depends” camp. What starts to bug me is when people talk in absolutes. The comments of “why would you even bother if there’s no sex?” That is what I’ll address here.
Why bother with spanking? Here are some reasons, speaking only for myself.
-Because I’m a spanko
-Because it fulfills a desire/need that has been with me my entire life
-Power exchange
-Stress relief
-Emotional release
-Because it’s just a lot of fun!
-Bonding with a top/partner
-Fantasy exploration and fulfillment

Can it be hot? Hell yes! Some of my greatest orgasms have followed a good spanking. But for me, it doesn’t have to be a means to an end. It’s a main course. It satisfies me, sometimes physically, but more times emotionally and psychologically. The bond between play partners is just fucking awesome. It’s a special connection. It can be hard to describe. It doesn’t have to be about the sexual energy. (But if that’s there too, cool!)

I’d imagine others into rope play or wax play or fill in the blank may be able to relate to some of the above things, even if spanking is not their great love. These are my own reasons. I know what works for me. You know what works for you. You don’t have to like what I like and vice versa. That’s why there’s negotiation. If someone doesn’t enjoy spanking then I wouldn’t even want to play with them. If I’ve gotta have a, b, and c, and you only like x, y, and z then we aren’t compatible play partners. And that’s okay.
I’ve got a popular ass and plenty more people I can go see. No need to vilify each other for what we want. So is spanking sexual? Yes? No? Let’s agree to disagree. I hope that maybe this can give some perspective to those who wonder “why bother?” If they’re still scratching their heads, that’s okay. I don’t need to convince you that you should like what I like. But don’t tell me that I’m doing it wrong because we see things differently. I am the one who knows what works for me.

About Lea

I'm a shy bottom with a sharp wit. :-)
This entry was posted in FetLife, generally spanking, scene safety. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Why Bother If There’s No Sex?

  1. Jay says:

    Hi Lea,

    I wandered over here from Erica's blog. I just wanted to say I totally agree with your post and the way you explain it makes perfect sense to me! 🙂



  2. PK says:

    I've known I was a spanko since I was four. Yes it really can be a sexual turn on for me and I often love to have sex after a spanking – BUT, there are so many times I need a spanking and it has nothing to do with sex and I don't what it to go there. I really can't get my husband to understand. I did lure him into spanking by telling him it was a turn on for me, but he never understood the second part. Now it seems he only spanks when he wants to have sex. I need more.


  3. abby says:

    Very well said, written. For me also…spanking can be a great prelude to wonderful sex…or it is sometimes also the main event. We are not all alike…how boring that would be.
    hugs abby


  4. Erica says:

    I wish the “crumbs” thing worked here on Blogger like it does on FetLife. This is such a great post.


  5. joeyred51 says:


    Well said. I agree with your comments. With our mutual friends, I just want to stick with spanking. For me, it means no sex, but also no wandering hands either. I never want to breach the bond of trust I have with my friends.

    But, I have had sex with my wife after a spanking. That was awesome. So, I agree. Yes and No.



  6. I recall being closely questioned “What will you expect to get out of it”. No, I don't want sex, no, not a BJ…..

    I recall we hosted a party and a single guy came. He told us off, that he gave up a weekend of sex to come to the party and did not get laid. We were drop jawed.


  7. Lea says:

    @Jay, I'm glad it was relatable. 🙂 Thanks for reading.

    @PK, That separation is really hard to explain to someone who isn't a spanko. Saying “hey this would be fun to do with sex!” is a much easier selling point to try it. I feel for you!

    @abby, Indeed. Variety is the spice of life and all that.

    @Erica, Thanks! With all our commonalities I figured it would resonate with you. 😉

    @Joey, It can be completely different based on partner, mood, and intent. That's a thing that makes spanking great- there are so many ways to do it.

    @OBB, I have encountered folks who think spanking parties are just fronts for swinger parties. There's nothing wrong with swinger parties, but that is a whole different thing. Explaining that it's not always sexual is mind boggling to some. “Why do it then?” Because I like it!


  8. Anonymous says:

    That's wild applause you are hearing from me, not the sounds of a spanking…




  9. Lea says:

    @regan, Thank you. 🙂 We'll hear spanking soon enough!


  10. sublea says:

    I feel that way about most kink – that they don’t HAVE to be sexual.

    I like the kink as the main dish. I’ve told my Sir that sometimes we could engage in these activities just because – not as a warm up to sex.

    Because I’m in a monogamous relationship with my top, it does blur those lines a bit more for me (as opposed to play partners that I wouldn’t ever seek sex from, period).

    I like kink. I like sex. I like kink in my sex. But I can have all those separate or together. It doesn’t always have to be Kink, then Sex!


  11. lea27f says:

    @sublea, Yes, it certainly has it’s place whether separate or mixed up in things. Variety is nice. But some people just won’t ever get it!


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