How To Survive The Community As A Kinky Shy Introvert

I wrote this on Fetlife a few days ago and it’s had an overwhelming response after making the Kinky & Popular list. I wanted to share it here as well since some of my blog readers don’t frequent Fetlife.
1. You may not want to do it, but do it anyway.

I don’t have any secrets or shortcuts to making things easy. It’s not easy. Some days it’s really fucking hard. Not all introverted people are shy. And not all shy people are introverts. However, I am both. I just won the weirdo lottery I guess. Left handed, spanko, abnormally tall female, shy introvert. Awesome. I’m considered pretty tame by many in the BDSM community, yet would be an outcast and pervert by much of vanilla society’s standards.

Talking to people is hard. Putting myself out there is hard. But I do it anyway. (Well, sometimes.) And when I don’t do it I know that I only have myself to blame when what I want doesn’t happen. You know that quote, “you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.” There are people coming in and out of this community every day. There’s nothing about me that will stand out over any other person. Not unless I do something to make people notice me.

It’s easier to say “well nobody talked to me there” than to put it on myself to talk to them. It’s easier to just stay home than to deal with a big crowd of people where I may have to sit next to, or god forbid talk to, a stranger. I have a hard time finding play partners locally. It’s easier to just not play than to have to do the dreaded asking and risk rejection. Easier, yes. Getting me anywhere? No.

For over a year and a half of attending things in the local community I avoided a certain group because you have to stand and say your name for introductions in every class. And do it again should you want to say anything during the class. That probably sounds like a completely ridiculous thing to try so hard to avoid. But I hated the sound of it. And I still hate it. But I go and do it anyway because it’s silly to miss out on seeing people and learning things just because of that. Though I do rebel by never asking a question because I don’t want to have to do it more than once per class.

I see so many new people posting on here saying they are interested in kink but the pathway to the community by way of munches stops them from getting involved. They are shy. They are socially awkward. They fear being stuck in the middle of a big crowd of strangers with nothing to say. I hear you, people. You are not alone. There are so many of us out here that are the same way. The “fake it til you make it” method is being used ALL the time.

I wish I could say it gets easier, but it may not. Each day can present a new struggle that you just have to push yourself past. Some days you may not be able to do it. But the next day you may. There are still events I’m more likely to attend because I know some of the people there a little better as opposed to the other thing happening on the same day where I’d be alone. I still feel awkward trying to break into a circle of friends to say hello. My heart still thumps when I raise my hand to tell a joke that I hope hits the mark and is worth the anxiety of standing in front of everyone. I do it anyway.

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About Lea

I'm a shy bottom with a sharp wit. :-)
This entry was posted in FetLife, friends, scene stuff, Utah scene. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to How To Survive The Community As A Kinky Shy Introvert

  1. Ami Starsong says:

    Many years ago now, I used to run sessions in Personal Effectiveness, and also in Building Confidence. I understand exactly where you are coming from. However, I think what you have achieved so far is amazing, because there is no way on this earth I would venture amongst strangers semi or unclothed, or wish to 'play' with them.

    My problem isn't that I can't speak to people – I can go up to others, open a conversation and talk till the cows come home; and I've spoken on a topic, to audiences of over five hundred on several occasions. But I do have a confidence problem with my body as I get older. Nothing is as it used to be, and that's the problem. I look at young women with plain envy these days.

    One of the games I used to help people be able to speak to strangers at various sessions/lectures/classes I ran, was to ask each person to tell everyone else, one strange or extraordinary thing about themselves. Some of the things were soooo funny, that the ice was broken and you remembered people much more easily and found you had lots of silly things in common with them. Names didn't matter – they came later.

    I'm glad you shared this with us, Lea. I hope you feel comfortable around here. I, of course, am a complete pickle. Absolutely hopeless. If you met me your first thought would probably be “Who on earth is this lunatic?”

    Many hugs
    Ami

    Like

  2. Lea says:

    I loved this post.

    I am going to my first munch EVER next week. I am really really nervous.

    But if you don't put yourself out there, you'll not meet cool people and such.

    Sir and I can't live in a bubble forever…

    Well, we *could* but that would be boring. It's hard to grow and learn in a bubble.

    Like

  3. Lea says:

    @Ami, Thank you for your comment. I wouldn't say I play with “strangers.” I get to know people before getting to the spanking part so we're both on the same page about what we're looking for. But starting that initial conversation to get to know them is the hard part for me.

    @Lea, You are in a good area for a lot of events too, aren't you? I hope the munch went well and that you find some others you can talk with or more if that's what you're looking for.

    Like

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